


When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

by Chichikk



Series: I chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, gavin and rk are both dumbasses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 15:02:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16642481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chichikk/pseuds/Chichikk
Summary: RK and Gavin are taking a break.Gavin seems perfectly fine, meanwhile RK is a hot mess posing as an android.





	1. Strange to see you again

It was...odd, to say the least-  
seeing gavin again was a painful reminder of the argument that lead to the situation at hand; a break.  
An argument over something RK now can’t even recall had lead to a screaming match and a mutual agreement that they needed to take some time away from each other, for better or for worse. All he knew now was that he felt awful. he wanted to reach out to gavin in the time since the fight, hold him, talk to him- instead, he held himself back until gavin felt ready to talk.  
That was 2 weeks ago- now, the man he’s been missing so much was walking into the precinct, visibly tired and bearing marks on his neck, and if Androids could vomit, he would.  
he would run into the bathroom and empty his entire being into the sink and cry.  
But he cant.  
So, instead, he maintains composure, turning back to the case files he was examining before, essentially ignoring the pain his chest was drumming through his body at the sight.

The rushing footsteps of someone approaching him caused him to look up again from his work, only to see Tina Chen- DPD issued windbreaker bunching up as she puts her hands on her hips disapprovingly, tapping her foot. She finally spoke up after rk stared in confusion for a few moments.  
“He’s been listening to old 2000s mixes about failed romances for the past two goddamn weeks, what did you do?”  
His brow furrowed, looking down to his desk again. “detective reed and I are taking a break.” The formalness in how he addressed gavin made both him and Tina flinch. “And if he hasn’t made it clear to you- his friend- he seems to be moving on just fine already. I don’t desire to take that from him if it’s what he wants, so you can rest easy knowing i am fine.”  
His jaw was clenched, keeping himself from crying the best he could with the blinking red LED on his temple alerting Tina to how bold faced of a liar he was.  
“Rk, look,” she sighed, crossing her arms. “Whatever happened- any sort of bullshit- He loves you. He really does. I’m gonna head to my terminal, okay? I’ll be there if you need me.”

He only nodded, looking back down at his work.  
The pain in his chest felt unbearable- he wanted to scream- alleviate the emotional pressure building inside him.

Gavin sat across from the android in silence; no greeting, no smile- RK would accept an insult if he threw one at him, but he didn’t. The only thing he got from gavin was a cold shoulder and another view of the hickeys that marked his neck.  
His swirling thoughts and emotions died when gavin finally spoke up. “Fowler wants us to go check out a place downtown- dead android.”  
RK could only muster up a nod, standing from his desk and following gavin out the door.  
His movements were mechanical, reverting back to predisposed actions. He was deviant, has been for as long as he can remember- but now? He had no energy. He had no drive to be ‘human’.  
He just wanted to go back to being uncaring- being a machine- knowing gavin hated him and being fine with it- instead of not knowing if gavin loved him anymore and being further from okay as he has ever been in his short life.  
he knew this would hinder the investigation- cause problems- he just wanted to shut it off, shut everything down- forget.

And that’s when the blinking prompt entered his vision

DELETE SELECTED MEMORIES? (98)  
[YES] [>NO]

He wanted to say no.  
He wanted to muscle through the pain- but he couldn’t. Not when he knew gavin was done with him- he felt his stress levels rising as his hand fidgeted in his lap, shaking. 

DELETE SELECTED MEMORIES? (98)  
[>YES] [NO]

with a split second decision, his stress levels dropped to zero.

He couldn’t even remember what it was he deleted- all he knew is the blinding pain in his chest was gone, and he was in detective Reed’s car on the way to a crime scene.


	2. Trying to remember your name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RK remembers, gavin reacts.

The android lying in a pool of it’s own blood was almost unrecognizable- it’s face was mutilated beyond recognition of model, causing the need for analysis of blood- Detective Reed just let it happen- strangely not arguing with him over the blood entering his mouth  
His eye twitched suddenly when a corrupted audio file entered his mind

“I̵ ̸d̷o̷n̵t̷ ̷w̸a̷n̶n̵a̸ ̸k̸i̸s̷s̷ ̵y̴o̵u̸ ̷w̶h̵e̷n̸ ̴i̷ ̴k̴n̶o̴w̸ ̸t̶h̶e̷r̸e̶s̶ ̷b̴e̷e̶n̸ ̷a̵ ̴d̶e̶a̸d̴ ̷g̵u̷y̴s̴ ̸b̵l̴o̴o̷d̴ ̷i̴n̷ ̶t̷h̵e̶r̸e̶”

The message crackled and clipped in and out, causing Rk to stand, stumbling back in confusion at this interference- the detective must have noticed, walking up with concern painting his face.  
“You good?”  
RK couldn’t speak- he was baffled at what had just ran through his mind-  
A recording of his partner talking about kissing him- where was this file even from?  
Hands gently slapping his face to seemingly snap him from his daze ripped him from his thoughts  
“Nines, hey- are you okay?!”  
He nodded, eyebrows knit together in fear and confusion.  
“I apologize- My files seem to be corrupted.”  
A jolt of pain shoots through him with no reason- he’s scared- “Ǧ̶͈̘̠̻͚̊̾͂̏̆͆̒̇̌͋̚͠͠ͅͅa̴̢̢̢̡̨̡̨̨̬̠̱͉̫̙̺̰̮̲̫̙̮̻̦̝̼̘̲͈͙̯͓̲̞̩̲̻̱̦̭͚̜̙͖̝̫̬̤̲͓̤̫̝̦̠͕̱͔̎͗̇̍̀̃͐̃́̾͗͌̽̅͗̋͊̅̑͂̋͒̈́̾̎̂͒̓́̂̏͑̂͌̚͘̕͜͝͝͝ͅͅv̴̢̧̨̡̛̛̛̛͖̼͕͉̯̹͍̯͈̬͓̙̲͍͙̖̩̞̪͇̖̦͔͈̯̘̰̯̮̲̻͎̠̹̰̙̖̝̺͈̭̟̹̗̗̙͉͚̫̲̖̫̬̭̥͔̹̼͓͈̞̗̺͕̤̩̖͈́́͂̏̄́̈̈́̂̾̅̒̏̈́̊͐̊̔͑̾̽̇̈̋̏͋̈̀̈́̅̾͆̎́̉̋̓͂̔͂̊̑͗͆͒͛͗̉̂͆͑̀̿͋̋̂̆̕̚̚͘̚̕̕͘͜͜͝͠͝͝͝͠ͅį̶̢̡̢̢̢̨͈͎̖̳̼̫̤̯͓̦̯̤̞̮͖̯̬̭̳̞̱̯͓̺͖͖̥̟̬͎̗̭̲̼̭̖̠͇̝͉̘̟͈͎͇͉̫̺̥̖̖̥͔͖̲̥̼̝̳̺̹̜̠̫͂́̽͗͋͑̀́̏̔̀͌̃̌͒̋͑̈͆͗͑̆̽͘̚͘͜͝͝n̵̛͍̼͚̤̯͔̘̈́͌̆̒͌̌̓͊͛̌̀̃̈́͆̆͋̽̄̌̊̓͌̂̓́͗̎̾̍̽͆̇͂̆͐̈͂͝͝” his voice was static, only furthering his fear- what did he forget? What was so important it was hindering his duties like this? Why was detective Reed asking if he was okay?  
Why are tears falling at such an alarming rate from the detective when he looks at the android?-  
He had to shut himself down. Whatever his mind needed to remember was dangerous to his mission- it was not vital.  
He closed his eyes, pushing out any visual stimulation as he let himself shut down for a self repair.

-

Gavin didn’t know what just happened.  
The day started waking up and remembering the night before- wanting to move on from RK- knowing the android was done with him finally- he went to a bar and made out with a stranger in the bathroom before tina found and ripped him off the guy and dragged his dumbass to her car and back home. thank god for tina chen- even while he let his neck be assaulted with bites, he could only think of nines- how that night they would’ve been on the couch, watching a movie and cuddling. Instead, he was alone with a stranger he hoped would make him forget. It wasn’t what he needed. he was late and hadn’t even looked in the mirror to see the hickeys, didn’t even think of it.  
Now, he was waiting at the cyberlife repairs office for the android.  
“Detective reed, there you are”  
His head whipped up in hope, only to see connor and hank instead of the guy he was waiting for. “I heard RK had an incident at the house you were investigating together- how is he?”  
Gavin slumped in his chair, his head hurting. “I, uh...i dunno. They say something in his memory got corrupted, causing some sort of fault in his code- all that smart shit.” He hadn’t even noticed his leg bouncing up and down until connor put a hand on his knee in comfort. “You have to have faith that he’ll be alright, Gavin. He’s in good hands.”  
Gavin sighed; he hated connor for the longest time, but more recently, he’s learned to appreciate his calming attitude in situations like this.  
A door creeping open caused all three to turn and see RK standing tall as always.  
Gavin didnt care- he just wanted to hug him again- if RK did hate him? Fuck it. He’ll get a Hug from an asshole, then.

He stood, pushing past connor to hug nines, yelling into his jacket never to scare him like that again.

“I merely was repairing myself, gavin. There’s no cause for concern. It is nice to see you again, however.” 

And once again, gavin wanted to scream at him.  
“No cause- NO CAUSE FOR CONCERN?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME-“  
He stopped when connor put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Right. Bullshit breathing exercises. In for 5, hold for 5 and out for five. 

And he was fine again.

“What even happened to your files? How’d they go all shit like that?”

Nines’ face paled, mouth opening as if to say something, only to close.

His LED turned yellow, prompting to look to connor for answers, only to see the shorter androids was the same, before they spoke up.

“You attempted to delete all memories saved from your relationship with detective reed.”

Gavin felt tears forming in his eyes as his shoulders slacked. “Oh...” his tongue shifted in his own mouth as tears lazily dripped down his face. “you really did just...wanted to pretend i never existed, huh...? I....okay.”  
RK looked lost, unable to defend himself- scared to make it worse.  
“Detective reed-“ connor turned as gavin pushed past him  
“Connor, just don’t” gavin was laughing wetly as he choked on sobs “Fucking knew you hated me.” He pointed at RK “just....fucking knew it.” 

And with that, he turned the corner and was leaving the building with tears streaming down his face like a child.


	3. A fleck on porcelain skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lets just...talk

as he rode the elevator down to the ground floor, his heart sank along with it.  
Gavin remembered the time nines asked him about the scar adorning the bridge of his nose as he traced along the mark in question.  
He told him the truth:  
he got the shit kicked out of him. Bad.  
He could have easily lied and told some dumbass story about how he got into a bar fight the night of his 21st birthday, but no. He trusted nines- even with the fact that his dad pulled a knife on him for trying to be strong and defend his older brother from their father. with the fact that 14 stitches later and a police arrest of his father, he had a gash across his face. 

The comfort nines had given him, telling him he was brave for standing up to his father, for even telling the android what happened- he cried that night. Cried like a bitch and told nines for the first time that he loved him- that he downright, honest to god loved him.

And nines just...  
Erased that.

He wanted him gone so badly he deleted his memories- he deleted them.

He deleted the time gavin woke up early on valentines day to make nines breakfast before remembering androids couldn’t eat when nines just looked at him with a wide smile on his face, trying to hold back giggles as gavin presented him with pancakes and orange juice.

He deleted christmas, he deleted his cats snuggling up to nines the first time he came over to Gavins house, he deleted his goddamn first name. 

He suddenly wished the elevator would just drop so he could stop thinking about it.

Instead, the doors slid open and he was face to face with the android who deleted him entirely just a few hours ago. 

“Gavin, I’m sorry.” He pushed past him  
“Gavin, please, I-“ he opened the door of the cyberlife building and walked out, nines running after him, his hand wrapping around his wrist gently, but stopping Gavins movements all together. “What I did...It was selfish. It was insensitive and stupid. I don’t expect or even deserve forgiveness- I just...for the past two weeks...i’ve been in indescribable pain. I wanted to see you, apologize for whatever we were even arguing about- i wanted to hold you and talk to you- but i gave you space and waited for you to talk when you were ready...you showed up today with hickeys- i just...you had moved on— and-“  
Gavin ripped his wrist from his grip  
“And so you delete me once im not important anymore? Yeah, nice save there, nines. Real fuckin’ great excuse.”  
Gavin wanted to leave but stood stalk still in front of the android  
“I wanted to give you the best chance at what i thought was you moving on. I thought you no longer wished to be with me and found someone else- so to let you have that? I deleted memories i cherished. It....it hurt you. To prevent my system from needing a complete factory reset, they restored my memories. And...i was scared. I was scared of the thought that you were gone. Gavin, I know you’ll never forgive me for what I did...And i don’t blame you.”

Rk looked up from the ground to meet Gavins eyes, which were spilling with tears again. “The hickeys were from some dumbass tina dragged me away from when i was drunk. I don’t even remember his face or name. I felt awful the entire time because I kept thinking of you- you remember that time—“  
“I punched the guy hitting on you at a bar?”  
“No no- with the tattoos”  
“Oh, richard teal? He’s still in jail.”  
Gavin laughed through tears, nines smiling at him, tears brimming in his eyes.  
“were both stupid, aren’t we?”  
RK sniffed, nodding as gavin leaned his forehead against his chest, feeling the gentle buzzing of his inner mechanisms.

And gavin sighed with relief.


	4. Tried to reach deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavins still reeling

He thought that was it

He really, really did.

And he almost believed it. 

Instead, he was awake at 2 AM, thinking of every moment he clung to when he was depressed- every look nines gave him, every word that made him smile and laugh- nines got rid of them.  
He could do it so easily, and ended up doing it.  
He told him why he did it, but that didn’t stop from the pain blossoming in his chest and coming out through his tears as he rolled out of bed as RK remained in stasis as he slipped on a jacket, heading out of the apartment on the way to nowhere in particular.  
He had no doubt RK knew something had been up with him- he was trying- he was trying so hard to make it up to gavin- reassured him, hugged and kissed him, gotten his favorite food for dinner- but the nagging feeling of bitter sadness still gripped him. 

“Detective reed?”

Gavin whipped around to see connor carrying a cardboard tray with two coffees behind him  
“What are you doing up and out of bed? Its 2 in the morning.”  
Gavin sighed, mist emerging from his mouth in the cold detroit night.  
“Gavin...are you okay?” Connors concern made him want to just sleep forever he was so tired.  
“If I’m being honest? No.” Connor’s shoulders dropped, eyebrows furrowing. “Would you like to come to the lieutenants house with me? Its better than risking hypothermia walking through a snowing detroit in pajamas.”  
Gavin chuckled, shaking his head and shoving his hands into his pockets “lead the way.” 

-  
Nines awoke from stasis in a cold bed, panic rushing through his systems as he sat upright, looking over to the left behind imprint of gavin.  
Once more, he wished he had bile to throw up. 

He contacted connor, as gavin had left his phone behind. 

‘connor, have you seen gavin? I exited stasis and he was gone’

‘he is with me and the lieutenant. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you should give him space.’

‘Is he okay?’

‘He will be. For the time being, he needs some time to think.’

‘Okay. Thank you for taking care of him.’

‘Gavin is my friend as well, no need to thank me. Goodnight, RK.’

‘Goodnight’

He knew something would happen- that something was still bubbling in gavin’s mind. He hurt the man he loved- and it felt worse than any gunshot he could have endured on the job.

He wanted to run and get gavin, to hug and comfort him- but he trusted connors judgement. So instead, he stayed put. 

-

It was weird, to say the least- he had never even wondered what Hanks house would look like- let alone thought the man could take care of a dog when he could barely keep himself alive half the time- but lo and behold, a large saint bernard came bounding up to gavin, knocking him on his ass and licking his face as connor laughed and calmed the dog down, letting gavin stand and step inside finally.  
“Hank, I’m back and detective Reed is with me!” Connor called out as he hung up his keys. Gavin can hear crashing and fast movements from the room at the end of the hall before a messy haired hank pokes his head out the doorway in confusion. “Well, damn. ‘Was half expecting RK to be with you.” 

Gavin looked down at his feet in silence, causing hank to realize his error  
“Are you two...?”

“No, just...still upset over the, uh... memory wipe” 

Connor froze in the corner of his vision.  
“Gavin...you know-“

“No, i don’t know. I actually DON’T know, connor.” 

The house was dead silent as gavin felt himself regretting ever coming to the house in the first place.

“I...I can’t understand just what you are feeling, gavin, but know that I am here for you, okay?”

Gavin nodded, sighing.

“Hey, reed”

Hank called from the kitchen, causing him to enter the room to find hank offering one of two mugs;  
One reading ‘Saint dick-olas’ and the other with a ginger tabby on it.  
He opted for the cat.


	5. couldn’t get in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina is done with this bullshit

RK could feel his chest jump in excitement as he heard a knock at his door at 3:15 AM- before he could get a word out after he opened the door, he was interrupted.  
“Hey, RK. You seen gavin? He’s not texting back and he seemed pretty upset.” Tina was on his doorstep.  
his heart sunk- gavin didn’t tell him outright that it had gotten so bad like that- but he knew why; he had lost gavins trust. 

“Oh, officer chen. Yes, he’s safe- he’s with connor and the lieutenant at their house.”

Tina’s face lit up at that, confusing the android. “Ok, thats good- because I gotta talk to you.” Tina pushed past him into the apartment, tossing her jacket onto the couch. “Talk to me? Is something wrong?”  
Tina waved her hand at nines, sitting on the couch. “Nono- none of that. Look; gavin is important to me, you KNOW that- but YOU are important to gavin. And if YOU’RE being stupid, then HE gets hurt, and I get ‘hit you with a steel bat’ angry.”  
Nines nervously nodded, sitting down with tina. “But since steel bats are expensive and by hurting you i’d be hurting gavin, i’m just here to hang out with you and try and understand just what the fuck you were thinking”

“I wasn’t”

Her eyebrows shot up as she seemingly pulled a beer from thin air and took a sip  
“Thats a first.”

“Tina, I hurt him. I wasn’t even thinking of the repercussions until i woke up in the repairs building. I just wanted it all to stop.”

She grimaced, raising a brow and gesturing towards him with her beer. “You wanted your relationship to stop?-“

“NO! God, no- i just...i wanted to go back to being a machine. Gavin is the only reason I’m a deviant in the first place- and since i thought he was gone- i felt like i didn’t have a purpose outside of just...fulfilling my duties like cyberlife intended.”

She was silent as she sat down her drink, brows knit together as she heard RK spill his guts out on the table to her. 

“Wow. You really are in the deep end, aren’t you?”

He sighed, covering his face with his hands, trying to rub the shame from his being

“Yes, yes i am.”

tina stood up, stretching and confusing nines the second time that evening.

“come on, were going out to do some slightly illegal activities”

Rk choked on air, standing to protest, only for tina to grab him by the hand and lead him out the door. 

“You said slightly illegal- how could something breaking the law only be SLIGHTLY illegal, officer chen?”

Tina laughed, hopping down the stairs   
“Easy, jackass! instead of using that baseball bat i mentioned earlier to hurt you, we take a trip to one of my favorite places this side of the planet: Smile mart!”

Rk’s face dims “I am NOT vandalizing an abandoned super store with you, officer chen.”

“What are you going to do instead, sit on your ass being miserable? You cant do that to yourself, let alone gavin. So, for gavins sake and your own- be a deviant! Break some old shit with your girl Tina!”

Rk tried to hold back the laughter that shook his systems, but it escaped from him.

He needed to live, and if ‘breaking old shit with your girl Tina’ was the way to stabilize himself? Then he’s going to do some slight criminal activities.


	6. Repent all your sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super store, super sad

He asked if connor could come with him to talk to RK about all this- he felt weird admitting it, but an android opinion felt needed. The snow crunched under their feet as they made their way to the apartment building. “why do you think he did that?” Connor looked over to gavin, confused for a moment. “...delete me like that, i mean. How do you just...” gavin searched for words he couldn’t find. “Throw someone away like that.”  
Connors brows furrowed in thought, looking down at his feet. “If I’m being honest, Detective Reed? I don’t know. If his reasoning really was to give you the best chance of happiness without him, then I could possibly see where he was coming from, but I’m not you. If what he did affected so much you thought leaving in the night was better than stewing in your thoughts, then you need to talk to him.”   
Gavin nodded solemnly, the pain in his chest receding for the time being before connor stopped in his tracks, confusion painted on his features. “What?” Gavin looked in the direction connor was and saw it; The old abandoned Smile mart, doors smashed in and two figures tearing apart shelves inside.   
“On all the nights of the year, i gotta defend an abandoned Kmart rip-off the night i just wanna go home. Y’know what? Fine.” Gavin jogged off with connor in tow, following the laughter echoing from the building’s blue cold lighting.

-

“YES! OH MY GOD!” Tina cheered as he smashed in all the freezer doors with the end of the steel bat she gave to him when they arrived. “this is surprisingly satisfying to do” RK laughed, chucking a milk jug across the store to explode on the opposite wall, milk dripping down onto the floor. “You’re stressed out, dude- pent up anxieties are good to take out on dairy products, i guess.”

Tina climbed up onto the tops of the freezers, legs dangling off as she sighed.  
“You really do mean a lot to gavin, RK. I don’t know about you, but i don’t think you should have to delete someone from your goddamn memory to be happy for them moving on.” 

RK was stunned, mood dropping in an instant as tina hopped down, unwrapping a popsicle and holding it in her mouth as she walked to the store front, looking back at him” I’ll see you at the precin-“

“DETROIT POLICE, HANDS UP”

Her hands shot up immediately, popsicle dropping to the floor as if it were a weapon- fear replaced with confusion, same with the two familiar faces now lowering their guns. “Tina, what the fuck are you doin’, man?” Gavin only realized RK was there when he followed connor’s disapproving gaze to RK, slouched in shame with a steel bat lowered at his side, destruction behind him, not daring to even look gavin in the eyes.

-

gavin felt a sense of irony as he paced back and fourth in front of nines, who was sitting on the couch in front of him, taking the lecture he was dishing out. 

“What the hell is wrong with you- I leave to calm down and you decide raiding a store is your next best option? What if someone else found you- you could’ve been shot- a seemingly ‘dangerous’ android with a weapon destroying property this soon after whatever the fuck those camps were? You would’ve been shot and no one would blink- you think putting yourself in danger is what you needed to do?!”

“I’m sorry, gavin.”

Gavin paused, blinking.

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for making you think i hated you, I’m sorry for deleting US- I’m sorry for scaring you like I did tonight. Nothing i could say would excuse my behavior. Gavin, I...” 

“Shut up.” Gavin groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose

Rk looked up, confused  
“Wha-“

“I don’t need a sappy apology, nines. You KNOW i don’t. We both know what you did was shitty. We both know it was dumb. why repeat that point anymore than we have? I was on my way back to talk to you, okay? so, lets talk.” 

Rk closed his gaping mouth, nodding as reed sat down next to him.

“I want to remove the function that allowed me to delete you, gavin.”

Gavin froze, blinking.

“You...you can do that?”

“...yes. It will restrict me from forgetting more...unpleasant memories, however.”

Gavin couldn’t believe what he was hearing

“Gavin, I don’t ever want to forget you again...i love you, and If that means taking a part of myself out and destroying it? Then i am more than willing to.”

Gavin was crying.  
Fully fucking crying, flopping onto him in a hug, gripping him like he could vanish any second. “can i destroy your ego if that’s the case?” Rk’s laugh vibrated in his chest, making gavin smile. “That was already shattered awhile ago, gavin.”


End file.
